The Madness of an Artist

I’ve been crammed between the tities of self-loathing.

…I wish that felt as good as some of you may be imagining it to (referring to the tities) but it’s not. It’s hellish. An infinite loop of inferiority that sometimes makes me think of whether or not i’ll break free..

As a kid I didn’t care as much. Understandably, I wasn’t as preoccupied with my progress as I was with just creating… and yet I progressed anyway. I picked up a hell of a lot of awful habits but … yes, I progressed anyway. And then came the reality check, where I became aware of the things i completely SUCKED at as an artist, and what’s worse was that I actually started to SEE them, and oh good lord. It’s as if my bar wasn’t raised very high in the first place, but NOW. 

Sometimes I go in to these periods of madness and anguish where there are so many things I want to practice and improve on …. anatomy, color theory, symmetry , hands, feet, paying my bills… that I just overwhelm myself with worry that I can’t possibly master them all and my efforts are all for naught.

…and yet I improve. Slowly but surely, I improve.

Sometimes I talk to other professional artists and I ask them if they’re really content with their work.. some say flat up no, and start pointing out the mistakes they’ve made … while i yell at them in my head ‘You SWINE, you call this BAD?!?’ as I force a fake smile. Others will tell me that they’re content but they are still very open to improving and want to. I’ve yet to hear one tell me they’re completely content and will change nothing.

So maybe this madness, through practice and discipline, will die down… Maybe it will become manageable. In the end I still love to draw and create…but damn it.

It is a truly maddening process. Truly.

 

おしまい

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